There are some of you who may assume that I suffer from some sort of mental disorder that includes violent moods swings and illusions of grandeur. But those are only the people who know me well. For the rest of you, my insanity will have to be proven. And, let me wager, proven it shall be.
Insert Jarring Subject Change Here.
I was talking with Stephen tonight after we saw Fireproof at the Danberry Dollar Saver (not as bad as I thought it might be, I’ll be honest). He was remarking on how some (private and not to be disclosed here) things in the past had really injured him but that he wasn’t angry over them, and I mentioned that it’s very difficult to be hurt by someone or something and not become angry. I know this because I’ve been in that place before and had to recognise the true source of my upset. I know this because I’m there now.
You see, Simon and I are on the outs. I really don’t know why. I mean, there are lots of reasons to choose from for his writing me off, but all of those have come and gone at least four years ago. There is nothing current I can find to make him suddenly change his mind. So what gives? What IS all this?
And, yeah, I’m angry. I want to take him by the shoulders and shake him. Lucky for him, he lives an ocean away. Lucky for him, he doesn’t have to take the initiative to make it right unless he wants to. I have no way of holding him up to honesty if he doesn’t feel like it. And it seems so unfair.
Maybe I deserve it. I probably do. But I don’t like it and I expected more from him. I didn’t expect him to scare so easy and avoid so adeptly. Maybe he isn’t the person I thought he was. But then, at this juncture, how can I really tell what he is? I feel so disappointed. Disappointed in him, yes, and disappointed in our friendship.
So I’ll say here what I can’t say there, which is this: You want to be my friend, then be it. You may not like what I used to be, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have a responsibility to behave like my brother in fellowship no matter what I’ve done that you didn’t like. Maybe you have a difficult time trusting again, but the Lord has done a work in me and how can you discount that? Especially when you’ve mentioned yourself that you recognize the fruits of God’s labor. This isn’t about me, this is about bitterness and fear, and I don’t accept either. You have been indecisive, inconsistant, and dishonest. So forget you.
I won’t really forget though. I need to talk to him and get things clear between us. But how do I make him stay and listen to all I say? And for that matter, how do I keep a wave upon the sand?
Tags: authenticity, boy trouble, disappointment, Simon
