I think I need to go on a European tour. And I’m pretty sure I’m going to use this guy as my travel agent.
There’s really no need to go. The only reason that I’m even contemplating it is because I’m disappointed. How, you may ask? And I answer, In myself.
Not that I’ve done anything that is overly awful, but sometimes, can’t that be the worst? This sort of uneasy feeling follows me around asking me if I’ve really done all that I could. I can’t pin it to anything in specific necessarily. I haven’t been out sacrificing virgins or burning down symbolic representations of capitalism. I’ve just been lazy and undisciplined. I’ve just nonchalantly given up all the progress God’s made in me without a second thought or any real notice.
And then I lazily pick up a copy of the Confessions of St. Augustine, and I remember who I was when last I read it. And it was a different person, and one who felt and believed and held firm. I still believe but my resolve has turned squishy. And yet I still have thought I was at the point of great return, when I was investing nothing, or certainly not enough.
I want to be marked as God’s. I want there to be an indeliable sign on my life that says, She has been granted knowledge of absolute truth and it did not fall on deaf ears. I want to be more and less, more of God and drained out of myself. C.S. Lewis says that as we come to know more of God and sacrifice all that we are to him, we become more and more our true selves. I believe it. Now I just have to act like it.
Tags: disappointment, discipline, humility, identity in God, transparency
