I have A Problem.
Okay, okay, so I have many problems. In fact, my biggest problem sometimes is trying to catalog and address all my problems. Especially the cataloging part. I have problems like a bargain hunter after a liquidation sale. My problems are varied and voluminous, oddly sized and awkwardly shaped. But they are all exacerbated by The Problem I drew attention to previously, which is this: I love the short road.
I don’t love it because it’s efficient. It’s not because of ahead of time research. And, not to shock you, but it isn’t because I’m determined to plug ahead on the straight and narrow or anything good or wise like that. I just like the lazy way.
I don’t care if it’s the most direct route or even the route to any place in particular, so long as it’s short. It can even just be shorter than another road or at the VERY least have a promise of a short cut very shortly up ahead. Whatever road is wimpy, I’ll try that one first. Even if it peters out in seventeen strides. Even if I can see the end of it from where I’m standing and all it leads to is an overgrown field in the middle of nowhere. (As a side note? I also love overgrown fields that are in the middle of nowhere. Especially if there are wild places all around it. A path there can be as meadering and trepidatious as it likes and I revel in it. So long as it’s a barely discernable path that no one in their right mind would have any business being on. ( By the way, this whole “short road” business is really just a metaphor, you know? (Now that I think of it, that overgrown path business may be a metaphor too . . . (Enough asides already! Get on with it!))))
Moving along as I’ve been so rudely prompted to do (:::pointed look at myself:::), the truth of the matter is that I want to do a lot of things, and I want to be a lot of things, but I try for a month and I give up. I realize I don’t feel well. I feel sad. There’s this unpleasant anniversary, or an unpleasant reminder. I realize I’m uncomfortable. So I return to the things that I didn’t want to be doing in the first place that prompted all this change and somehow in my mind, it translates as I’m making progress. I quit smoking, and then I smoke. I think about learning to play tennis, and then I don’t. I stop entertaining thoughts of boys who are no good for me, and then I do. I decide to take care and effort in my artistic sensibilities and finally, for once and for all, produce . . . ! And then I paint some portraits of balls, write four pages of a story, tune my guitar, and then forget about it. I even determined myself to learn the entire French language working off the textbook I use in class. I was going to do every exercise in it and by the end-ta-DAH! I would know French. I was on page eight a week ago. Now, I’m on page eight.
It’s ridiculous. And I lay in bed at night and I close my eyes and pray and say, God, why aren’t I changing in the ways that I want to? Why aren’t You changing me?! And then I realize, I’m not letting Him. I’m not disciplined enough. I cut myself too much slack maybe? Or the wrong kind? Or I just don’t fully lean on Him and do my part to bring His servant to the fruition of ministry that I know He wants? Or all of these? Mostly all of these.
And I confess that I have been bitter at times. I have not understood. I have not sought the peace and comfort and sustainence that would make this all make sense. And . . . I’m sorry. And . . . I hate the short road, because it doesn’t lead anywhere. And the scenery that goes by when I am on it is only more of the same. The same frustrations, the same downfalls, the same struggles that I can end if I want to. If I really were to be as reliant as I should. If I really were to admit to the vast and complete soveriegnty that He has.
And maybe it isn’t so much a revelation of ,”Bring it. I got this.” Maybe it’s more of a revelation of, “Bring it. And I’ll bring it to Him.” And leaving it with Him. And letting Him do what He will and being confident, as He has proven Himself due confidence, that He will work it to His own liking. And me with it.
Tags: disappointment, discipline, hope, lessons, smoking, trust in God
Knowing yourself is the first step in knowing the world. Knowing that you are lazy is a good thing. Some people go through the whole lives not knowing just how lazy they are. They kid themselves that they are hard workers and do everything by the book. Being honest about it is the first step in tackling the issue head on. I’m glad you have the strenght to acknowledge your true self. No shame or judgement in that. Only strenght.