Simon,
I hate your guts. Except that I don’t. And I want to.
The truth is that I don’t hate you. I don’t even know you. And I don’t foresee that changing anytime soon. It’s cool. I’ve made my peace with it. But you have yet to hear it.
Have I loved just some idea of you? Probably. How could I care for someone who’s treated me this way? Who, in effect, has . . . has . . . what? Left me? Just left me? Is that really all it was? It seems so much deeper than that. It was all mixed up in everything else around it: the hopes, the losses, the promise, the grief. It still seems unthinkable to be cruel to you, seeing as how I’ve done all the horrible things that one can possibly do in a relationship and you did none of them. I did everything wrong before. And you’re doing everything wrong now.
Do you owe me something? I ask myself, and the answer is, Yes. At least to give an explanation. At least to have it out. I’m embarrassed to tell people what’s happened to this. Embarrassed because it turns out that you’re not the man that I explained to them. You’re a coward. You’re afraid to say what it is. What it really is. You’re afraid . . . I never thought you would be.
How can I still care what happens with all of this? And the answer is I can’t, and so I don’t. I feel like a fool. I’ve looked like as much to everyone. Not that I care what Everyone Thinks. As I keep saying, and I do believe, there is something freeing in having nothing left to lose. There’s something freeing in doing the rash and stupid thing, because you want to know for sure. And now I do know for sure.
And that is good.
I can’t keep breaking my heart over you. I won’t. There are other plans that God has for me. Maybe it’s no one. Maybe I’ve screwed up enough and passed off on motherhood too many times for it to be anyone. It is what it is. I submit to God’s will. And His will is not us, not now at least. You hear that?! I’m still saying “not now”, instead of just “not”. What is the matter with me? Have you hypnotised me so much?
The truth has always been that I really did think . . . But what good is what I thought? It isn’t so. It is just so difficult to look at this and think, Never again. Never. I’ll never have you again. But I won’t. And I don’t think I would now even if I could.
So go on with whatever is so important. Go on and do the work of God and go wherever He takes you. Be good and great and so high above us all. Go. Do. Be. I can’t even try to make those things sound sweet. I don’t feel sweet, not towards you, and besides, no amount of pretty words will make a damn bit of difference. Just get on with it. I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to know about it.
I’m over it.
-Marianne
Tags: Simon
“It still seems unthinkable to be cruel to you, seeing as how I’ve done all the horrible things that one can possibly do in a relationship and you did none of them. I did everything wrong before. And you’re doing everything wrong now.”
–Wow. Cycle of life is karma’s wisdom.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. I was a bad lady, and now I’m surrounded by bad ladies. Or at least one. C’est la vie. BUT! I did get some pretty groovy wisdom out of the whole thing, so perhaps not a total waste? But that’s been God’s work, not mine.