Well, almost. At present it’s only twenty-nine years and three hundred and sixty four days. And I sit here on my bed in the glow of a bedroom lamp, glaring at my throat because it just keeps coughing for no flipping good reason (pointed look, bad throat!), thinking about all that’s come before and all that’s promised to come along. Simon posted a Happy Birthday greeting on my “Wall” on Facebook- I thought about posting back, but I probably would have only said something snarky and uninspired like, “Shut up and leave me alone!”

I warned you it would be uninspired.

Anyway, I didn’t do it. And I won’t. And I wouldn’t because what have I got to be mad at him about? Other than the fact that I was metaphorically down the street from his house last year and when I rang him up, instead of saying “Sure, drop on in” like a good neighbor, he told me to bugger off as if I were a sheep thieving bandit. Maybe it’s an accurate description. At any rate, he was frightened of me and I can’t help but feel the worst about that in the end.

I also got an email from Herbie. Boy, was I ever crazy about him . . . with his crazy corkscrew hair and Tourist Bureau of Canada clothes, with his ‘ism jokes and french pronunciations . . .  and he’s going to be a father. Geez, what happens? One day you’re some kind of raving lunatic, usually with a borderline alcohol problem, la-di-da-ing your way along,and  then a few days later you’re thirty years old waiting for your wife to have a baby. Amazing. I think he’ll be a good dad. He has a way of centering on someone in such a way that they feel that they themselves are the one constant in the universe. I’ve never experienced such a thing as a child but it certainly sounds beneficial.

So . . . what’s there to say on my 30th? Not much, except I’m looking for a house, will probably be getting married soon, want to get started on a doctorate program, and am pretty convinced I have a sexual addition. Nothing really that spectacular. I’m hoping to keep learning, keep growing, keep writing, and more than all these others, keep becoming more and more refined and like God. I’ve been encouraged of late in the Word. Just that there is the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. Just that God is good and righteous and merciful and on the throne. Just that God can redeem anything. Lessons I learn over and over again, and sweeter each time.

I’ve also thought perhaps I will find a different Bible Study, not that the one I was attending is bad. It’s only that I was listening to LaSayre Bradleypreach tonight with his beautiful crotchety old man voice, and I thought, When I go to this study, I don’t find myself going away having learned more about God. I find that there is a good deal of emphasis (and understandably so) on who the Holy Spirit wants me to be and how do I really have Christ in my life and paying  attention to the places where I’m screwing up. (I admit that I may have missed the point, and if that’s the case, forgive me.) But, although I get the importance of those things, I think they really make sense for the group who are for the most part 26 and younger. 26 and younger is a really great time to ask those sort of questions, when your life still really does seem fluid and like you’re still carving out adulthood from it, figuring out who you are at all much less in Christ. I asked them of myself , usually between shots at that age, but that’s really a whole other line of thought. The point is . . . and it is not to say that I think I have any more claim to spiritual greatness than anyone else, merely that God seems to have steered me in this direction .  .  . but the point is that God is the center of everything, and He’s working in us each day, and He’s graceful and has provided through dependence on Him the ability for us to be able to be gracious to one another. The point is that this is real and we are a family and we should meet each others needs and experience depth and help and compassion with and for one another. I’m not saying that those things don’t happen there, only that I have not experienced them in the way I’m trying to explain. Perhaps I haven’t given it enough of a chance, I’m sure I probably haven’t. What I’m trying to say though with all of this is that if I sit and ponder about God by talking about myself and positing on things I should improve and need to learn because of God, surely, am I not still in the end just talking about myself?  Am I not misdirected somewhat in my focus?

I could be wrong. I really could, I’m not just trying to be falsely humble. I’ll have to pray for direction in it. But I am lonely for true fellowship and real definable growth. I hope I find a place where that can happen.

Well, that’s it for my Birthday dissertation, and I see now that it really is my birthday. Happy Birthday to me! :)

(more…)

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UPDATE:  Upon further reflection, I realized it was pretty lousy trick to try and get away with letting a Voki stand in my stead in bringing birthday salutations. So I’ll try this again. And this time, I’ll tell you how great Ron is!

Ron is a most delightful fake brother, and one who practically saved my life last year and at the very least my sanity. I treasure to the depth of my soul those walks we took downtown and doing the homeless ministry with him last summer.  He spent hours with me, night after night after Natalie was gone,  just listening and listening and listening to me trying to get myself straight with all the thoughts in my head. He witnessed my apologies, soothed my wounds, and gave me great godly counsel. I love that he’s allowed himself to be grafted into my family and consider it one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for him. I couldn’t ask for a better brother in Christ.  SO . . . Happy freaking Birthday! :)

So once again this ball of rock has ventured around this big blazing ball of gas to mark the twenty ninth year of my life. Way to go, cosmos. Everyone played their parts beautifully.

So what exactly does all this mean, eh? A year older, a year . . . dare I say it? Wiser? Certainly a year poorer but that’s probably another story. So what exactly has been so great about these past three hundred and sixty five days? What have I learned? What have I found? Shall I itemize?

I shall try. Here are my lessons:

1. God is sovereign, sustaining, and wonderous, and His plan is full of surprises.

2. Natalie is the beautifullest baby of all time.

3. My mother has provided for me, even when she isn’t here to see it.

4. YouTube isn’t actually just an amateur porn site and is a great place to find Doris Day clips.

5. People change. For better or worse, they do.

6. Sometimes it isn’t people who are changing-sometimes instead it’s me.

7. Back windows in my apartment not be left open.

8. National City bank is just doing it’s job, ma’am, just doing it’s job.

9. The world is a messed up and devouring kind of place, but when all seems hopeless, see Lesson #1.

10. Veganism is FUN!

And that’s all I can think of now because I have a delicious bath waiting for me in the next room. Thanks to Stephie for the Lush! :)

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Happy Birthday, Pookie!

Love,

Marianne

UPDATE: I realized that this VOKI could never actually express what a wonderful gift my fabulous sister is to me. Mostly because it’s got a character limit, I’ll admit, but also partly because it doesn’t emote well. So I guess I will just have to roll up my arm fat (I’m not wearing sleeves-what else can I roll up?!) and do it myself.

Real story? Stephanie is a beautiful, capable, fascinating young woman and one that I’m proud to be related to (you should see the rest of my family-har har). She’s tough as nails when it comes to Truth and is bright as all the stars in the heavens put together. She gets me. And that sort of getting seems so comforting, deep, and intrinsic that sometimes I think other people are being deliberately obtuse when I describe something in two words and they have no idea what I’m talking about-I think, Stephanie would get it. She’s so many things that are so great and encouraging and uplifting, especially in the Faith. Silly, funny, wise, well read, pretty, edgy, intense, deep, and raw. Happy birthday, Steppie. I love you!

Happy birthday, Natalie. I can’t tell you how much I wish I could be with you today. And though I can’t be, know that I carry you with me in every moment, baby.

My darling, my beloved, my sweet, sweet gift, a year ago today you came into the world wrinkled and pink and stretched out your tiny arms and legs for the first time. I almost can’t believe it, thinking of it now, how little and lovely and perfect you were. Your faint voice whined when they weighed you. The doctor put you in my arms and you nuzzled your fists against your chubby cheeks. The nurse had to wrestle you away from me to clean you up, and every night in the hospital I tried to keep you with me. The night nurse chastised me to let her take you to the nursery and by three in the morning, her threats got serious. And so I surrendered you for a couple of hours to sleep, then buzzed to have you brought back in to me by seven.

I hope that you will someday understand why I thought you would be better off with someone else. There was nothing wrong with you; there was something wrong with me. I wanted to protect you, and take care of you, and give you the best hope for a good and happy life. I’m only sorry that the situation I was in would not afford those things to you if you were to remain with me. I love you so much and I miss you excruciatingly. I am blessed to be your mother, and blessed to have had you even for only four days. I pray for you, and think of you always.

I love you, Precious. Happy Birthday.

Love,

Marianne

Okay, so obviously this isn’t me playing Happy Birthday on the violin. But this is totally how I would play it.

Happy Birthday, Stefan! Hope it’s full of good craic!

Okat, so I’m about two hours late in getting this on your actual birthday, Sarah. But I hope that you have a beautiful year!

Love,

Marianne

So today is Simon’s birthday. I know, I know-THAT guy again?! But I still haven’t heard from him and I have to say, I feel a little concerned. It’s really all his fault. I mean, the last I hear he’s in a car accident and he’s fine, really, he’s fine, but then a couple of weeks later,  he tells me he has to go get some freaking brain scans, and then . . . nothing.

Sigh.

In a related story, according to VH1, the New Kids on the Block are (is?) making a comeback , “cleverly” disguised as “NKOTB”. It seems unfair. They can, and I can’t?

Whatever.