Here’s the thing about dudes: Without fail, they will drive you nuts.

I kind of had that figured out a while ago. I mean, when you’re with a guy like Mark for three years-ish, you get the idea. But Erik? Really thought that might be different. Turns out it’s just a hard and fast rule and apparently.

So, what’s all this about you ask? Well, it all started this very afternoon when Erik called to let me know he wouldn’t be able to come over until eight o’clock. I was, and perhaps stupidly, disappointed and it was obvious in my voice. I didn’t yell at him, didn’t deride him, call him names, or even object to what he was doing, which was working. I was just disappointed. And from this, the whole stupid thing devolved.

I told him I would go and hang out with my brother and sister since he was busy and that was the end of our conversation. He was frustrated with me for being disappointed. Over the course of the next couple of hours, he texted a couple of times to see what I was up to and somehow got irritated with me for going shopping for paint with my roommate. But the truth is that he’s often been upset with me for hanging out with my friends. Almost as if I’m just supposed to sit around and wait till he gets around to me.

But that isn’t the biggest problem, which is that he doesn’t talk to me when there’s a problem. If I text him, he doesn’t answer. Instant message? Same thing. If I call, I get voice mail, again and again and again. But this isn’t the first time this has happened. It happens every time we have an argument or an issue that’s tough to resolve. I want to fix it, he refuses to face it. It’s enough to drive me crazy.

Because how in the world are we ever supposed to get to the other side of a problem if he won’t even talk about it? How do you cross a mountain if one of you won’t admit it’s there? It seems obvious to me that maturity begs for unblinking realizations. It seems that putting it under a rug doesn’t get your house clean and only makes it more likely for you to trip.

. . .

I love Erik. I really do. And there are moments when I look forward at my life without him and I panic. He’s wonderful in so many ways. Thoughtful and generous and handy and kind. Talented and skilled and hard working and sinewy. He’s made of firm stuff and would try his best to try his best for almost anyone it seems. So what’s the problem then? What is the problem? It’s just that he . . . won’t budge.

There are so many things that I think we’ve gotten resolved and then ten seconds later, there they are again and we have to go through the whole rigamarole all over. We have to go through what we feel and why we feel it, what we think should be and what is, and what we want from the other person that we’re not getting. Again. And again. And again. Everytime I think we’ve come to a consensus I feel blindsided when it comes right back, the same problem, all around us again like a smog. I wish there was some way that I could make it work on my own, but the sticky thing about a relationship is that it takes two.

I want Erik. I love Erik. But I also want to have relationships with my friends. I also want to be able to express my emotions without being criticized for them, without them being stored up for ammunition. I want to be able to apologize and have apologies respected and returned, not just someone appreciating the fact that I’ve seen how wrong I was. I want to feel I only have to apologize for things that I do that are really and truly wrong.

I just got out of my three hour French class, and it was divine. I think I’m in love. All those “c’est”s and “voudrais”s. Heaven!

And as I was walking down the stairs and out into a cool spring evening, it struck me suddenly that I knew these stairs. What is it about a college campus? The way the air smells, the non-skid strips on the linoleum steps, the weight of books carried over the shoulder. It’s like being in a Meijer: once you’re inside, they’re all the same place. And it was a good familiar feeling strolling down the overwide sidewalks basked in dim street lights. L’amour, my friends, l’amour!

In other news, I still haven’t heard from Simon, so I thought I’d do a poll. YOU vote! Yes! You! Can!

Here are your choices. Simon hasn’t talked to me in three months because: (more…)

My Best Part Time Friend

Every once in a while, you suddenly appear!

So maybe it’s just when you’ve drunk too much beer?

But whatever the reason, I know soon you’ll prob’ly

Show up all witty with a short email volley

And then all at once disappear off the planet

A word here, a sentence, and then suddenly vanish.

Now I’m trying to figure what all it’s about . . .

Say, are you secretly married and your wife just found out?

Do you cyclically go into hiding or something?

Are you a dangerous criminal  who has to keep running?

Did you remember you’re Amish and can’t use a computer?

Are you ashamed to reveal you were recently neutered?

Did you fall off a bridge, as I so casually offer?

Were you kidnapped by pirates or your long lost real father?

Regardless, I hope your adventures delight

And when there’s a lull, I’m sure you will write.

And I’ll be as baffled as always and then

You’ll return to being my best part-time friend.

Alright, alright. I admit it. I shouldn’t have been such a jerk to that-erp!-man I was lamblasting yesterday morning. Not sorry enough to take to down though, I guess. No alterations. No going back and changing the past, even when I could and not have to worry about that whole paradoxical killed-my-grandfather-on-accident type of thing. I should be honest. And the honest truth is apparently that I’m kind of cruel and have an anger problem.

No, really, I’m as shocked as you are.

And, in the spirit of being upfront about things that I don’t want to admit, I should say that I’ve also been missing Simon. I broke down and asked him to call me. Argh. Why do I have to be me?

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So the truth of the matter is that I should be in bed. Because I’m supposed to be at work tomorrow at nine a.m. and lately I’ve been staying up till seven in the morning and sleeping in all day. I’m on like . . . China time or something. But instead of doing that (and I WILL do it, okay? . . . yeah, in a dang minute so keep your pants on!), I logged on to LinkedIn, a networking site I have to admit I don’t really get yet. And there, believe it or not, as I’m browsing through Possible Connections in the Classmates section at Kent State University, I come across the profile of my first boyfriend.

JOLT.

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There are some of you who may assume that I suffer from some sort of mental disorder that includes violent moods swings and illusions of grandeur. But those are only the people who know me well. For the rest of you, my insanity will have to be proven. And, let me wager, proven it shall be.

Insert Jarring Subject Change Here.

I was talking with Stephen tonight after we saw Fireproof at the Danberry Dollar Saver (not as bad as I thought it might be, I’ll be honest). He was remarking on how some (private and not to be disclosed here) things in the past had really injured him but that he wasn’t angry over them, and I mentioned that it’s very difficult to be hurt by someone or something and not become angry. I know this because I’ve been in that place before and had to recognise the true source of my upset. I know this because I’m there now.

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he said: “This is Step Three. Step One was to stop hating you. Step Two was to start talking to you again. Step Three is building a friendship. And that’s what I’m doing.”

I said: “Wow. You should give a seminar.”

I thought: “I know you’ve been hurt. But will you ever see what He’s made me? Will you? It’s a matter of will at this point, you know.”

He said: “You have forgiveness, but you also have consequence. And not everyone is going to see what I see when they look at you.”

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he said: “I don’t want to get distracted. I’m just trying to sit back and see what He has for me, if you know what I mean.”

I said: “That’s wonderful. I want to do that too.”

I thought: “What He has for you may not be what you want Him to have. What He has for you is up to Him.”

He said: “I told you before. I have a purpose in this. I have a purpose in everything.”

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he said: “I have to think about it. I just don’t know.”

I said: “Tell me one way or the other. You don’t not know. If you don’t want to, then you don’t want to. If it isn’t yes, it’s no.”

I thought: “You’re afraid and you have every right to be. You’re afraid, but you won’t get any further until you aren’t.”

He said: “Forget everything else. My will will be done.”

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